After his foray on X (formerly Twitter), he logged onto Instagram, where his favorite model/influencer (or influencer/model), Sally Fae, had posted a new story. Delighted at the prospect of seeing a beautiful woman, he opened the Story, only to be disappointed that it was not a selfie, but in fact a picturesque landscape she had taken on her hike. Rossum had no interest in nature or of hikes. Crestfallen at the absence of his online crush, he thought about writing something saccharine in hopes she might notice his post; but upon viewing the public comments, “less tress more titties” was scrawled at the top by BigBob. Rossum instinctively went to scold BigBob for his misogynist comment, hoping to charm Sally Fae. He hastily drafted a paragraph detailing how problematic and rude BigBob’s comment was, but thought twice before hitting Enter. He concluded that Sally Fae was a strong and independent woman, capable of speaking for herself, and that she didn’t need him defiantly coming to her aid online. He deleted the comment and held a moment of satisfaction with his use of restraint and dignity.

Lastly, Rossum opened the app TikTok. Going through the routine of aimlessly scrolling past a litany of videos that would rot zombie brains, an odd post caught his eye; it seemed to be recorded in the style of a 90’s camcorder by user Sandra O’Malley. It was an AI generated montage of performers morphing and transforming into different beasts. It had the caption, “Shapeshifters have existed among us for years!” Laughing that this was certainly satire, Rossum went to read other reactions, only to find that Sandra was serious. The top comment was by the creator, “I don’t care how many times you people or chatGPT tell me this is fake I KNOW IT’S REAL!!!” The most liked reply read, “seek help”. A vast number of commenters seemed to agree with the creator though, one wrote, “I’ve known they are real too, my mother used to work for a wealthy family that held parties where the shapeshifters would display their powers, I think they’re related to demons and Satanology.” In disbelief, Rossum knew he would not be able to change the minds of these conspiracy theorists, would come across as sanctimonious and only bolster their beliefs. Dejected that these people either lived in psychosis or existed in utter stupidity, he had no ounce of energy left to post his refutation.

In the end, however, Rossum was satisfied with his silence for the day, but wanted validation and acknowledgement for his discipline online. In a world filled with digital pandemonium, how was he to be credited for keeping space open for marginalized and more important voices than his own? How could his noble bravery be communicated to the public? Proud, yet morose, he carried on with his day; the world ignorant to his courageous dedication to passivity.

Joni’s boyfriend, Tom, is like any other 35 year old man: he plays video games, gets excessively drunk, is immature to a fault, and completely dependent on Joni for all his emotional needs. Tom, of course, does not understand his problems, and most likely never will. He has no drive to better himself, no interest in therapy, ignorant to all of Joni’s efforts, and is too developmentally stunted to realize any of this. He loves Joni, but does not truly understand how to love, despite Joni trying her best to communicate her needs and boundaries.

This relationship has become all too familiar for many women, and has them wondering why they can’t seem to find better partners, which has caused many of them to blame the moon, Mercury in retrograde, metaphysics, or all three. In Joni’s case she reasoned it was due to sins she committed in a past life.

“I just can’t understand why I feel a need to take care of Tom, it’s a driving force beyond my comprehension, a compulsion so deep that I no longer see him having any flaws. My friends tell me all the ways he’s problematic, all the red flags, and when I hear them objectively I know it to be true; but when I think of Tom, I can’t help but know I need to be with him, to take care of him, and love him.”

“I’ve been having sessions with a local witch to try and better understand my predicament, and what she sees in my soul is that I must have done some pretty heinous acts in my previous incarnations. Truly abhorrent behavior. The witch said that being drawn to Tom is a cosmological ontology to atone for the wickedness I have committed before being reborn in this life.”

Many women we reached out to on Reddit’s /r/relationshipadvice voiced similar situations. They often stated that the only reason they continue to love the men that they do, is that God or a force in the universe must be conspiring against them for the atrocities and horrors they’ve afflicted upon this world.

“Loving Tom being predetermined by fate is a truth I can understand, and one that I have come to accept. I know now what I’m suppose to do in this life. I’m just waiting for him to propose.”

Reporters noted the outline of Trump’s erection in his pants and his wide eyes admiring Mamdani. This relationship has the public puzzled, but sources inside the Trump administration may shed some new light on these peculiar meetings.

Trump is rumored to have lost his keys during his most recent trip to Mar-a-Lago. Sources close to Trump’s administration have suggested his recent praise and support for Mamdani are due to his upcoming stay in New York City. Insiders indicate that Trump is fearful he will not be able to enter his penthouse suite at the top of the titular Trump Tower in Midtown Manhattan, and is rubbing elbows with Mamdani in hopes to receive the ceremonial honor of The Big Apple’s Key to the City, which he is expected to attempt pragmatic uses of the award, undeterred by skeptics who say, “the Key won’t fit into any locks.”

The purely symbolic Key holds no functionality, and though presidential aides have tried to explain this to Trump, he remains adamant that the ornamental “skeleton key” will magically open any door in the city, from Katz’s Delicatessen, to the Statue of Liberty, and even to his favorite gentleman’s club at 9am.

Trump remains hopeful, even with the little time he has left before his stay in NYC, and has gone on the record saying, “I left them in the sand trap at hole 4,” though no search parties have yet recovered his missing keys, and added “the desk drawer where I keep my stockpile of Filet-O-Fishes is starting to smell.”

We spoke to an anonymous OnlyFans creator who wished to keep her name private due to concerns those close to her might discover her comedy routines before she is ready. She said, “I had been considering doing comedy for awhile; many of the other working girls I know have gotten into it and I saw how much money they were making. It was scary putting myself out there, but once people were laughing, they started complimenting me saying, ‘you’re so funny, your bits are driving me WILD,’ or ‘these jokes are beautiful, I’d do anything to hear a solo set.’ When you hear stuff like that you can’t help but feel good about yourself; and I think a lot my audience who knew me from sex work wanted to know more about me or feel closer to me. They seem to crave to know more about my personal life and my inner psychology, even if that connection is artificial.”

We spoke to one man, Curtis Stone, who was skeptical of this diversification in the lives of sex workers. He stated, “I’m not sure why we should be interested in their personalities. It’s one thing to post topless photos of yourself on the internet, but it’s a whole nother thing to tell the public about your private thoughts and feelings. I just don’t know why they feel like they have to whore themselves out like that.” When asked if he would be attending any stand-up sets of OnlyFans creators he followed he said, “Oh, absolutely, I want to feel closer to them.”

Sally Fae, a sex worker and veteran of the comedy scene, gave some advice to those looking to get into stand-up. “You really just have to put yourself out there and not care what other people might think. You are going to get judged, but women are judged constantly whether they are on stage or not.”

Many sex workers are initially apprehensive to enter stand-up, often worried about what their friends or family may think. Sally Fae had this to say on the subject: “Yeah when my parents found out I was doing comedy, I was a bit ashamed. I was worried they would say, ‘didn’t we raise you right, I can’t believe you’re just baring all for the world to hear.’ But thankfully, they’ve accepted me and my choices, they see how much it has helped my confidence. People pay to hear me talk, and that’s empowering, even if they get an intimate show of my deepest thoughts.”

Only time will tell if sex workers will continue to invade the comedy scene, but we do not recommend forming a parasocial relationship with your comedians, even if they make you laugh, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to fuck you.

It is not uncommon for women to receive aggressive, belittling, and inappropriate messages from men. Some communications seem more harmless, e.g. “I love your cleavage I wish you were mine.” Others are soaked in sexual violence, “If I ever saw you irl I wouldn’t be able to control myself.” And a few are just perplexing, “Did you know that women can’t be chemical engineers because their hormonal ovaries produce pheromones that interfere in the alchemical process?” These types of messages are rooted in the internalized misogyny of our society, which is currently being fueled by what some have termed, “the Manophsere.”

“The Manosphere” is a loose collection of different influencers, content creators, websites, blogs, and forums advocating for traditional masculinity. It comes as a response to feminism, and a petulant plea for a return to a completely patriarchal society. The Manosphere has risen in popularity, primarily amongst teenage boys who interpret being cool as having a fancy car, wearing a suit with sunglasses, and bullying minorities. The men who view this as success do not possess the critical thinking or media literacy to watch Theroux’s documentary as the scathing exposé that it is. They leave thinking the movie’s display of toxic masculinity is an explanation rather than a critique.

On X (formerly Twitter), user Evie posted screenshots of direct messages she received from a man stating, “would love to have a go at you,” “are you available to meet and smash,” “are you getting these? i want to have sex with you!” The unreplied messages show the man’s profile picture with his presumed wife (assuming a woman would marry such a man). A commenter tried to dissuade the Evie from her repulsion and stated,

This man’s response, completely out of touch, lacking intro- and extrospection, and delivered with such sincerity he believed would change the woman’s mind is almost endearing. Almost. We are left wondering if this man saw Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” and came away thinking that the Earth’s reliance on fossil fuels necessitated increased production. Whatever Manosphere this man is living in, we certainly know it’s completely disconnected from anything we could ever imagine.