Hunter Biden Replaces Addiction to Crack with Twitter
"Damn this shit is strong!"
If you haven’t been endlessly scrolling Twitter this month (and why would you, you’re a sane, well-adjusted adult), you probably haven’t seen Hunter Biden’s recent foray into social media. Thankfully, I’m here to relay to you his recent descent into dependency (I’m terminally online so you don’t have to be). Hunter has turned to Twitter to address his past addiction issues, his political opinions, and (of course) the infamous laptop, Latina prostitutes, and crack smoking. This freshly trained keyboard warrior has amassed more than 1,200 posts within the last few weeks. It appears Hunter has supplanted his addiction to crack cocaine with Twitter.com.
Hunter seems to have a lot to say. He’s been interviewed and featured on several podcasts and has turned to social media to call out the current Trump administration, economic inequality, and the Palestinian genocide. He has discovered that each post provides a dopamine kick that rivals even the purest cocaine. He states that he was 7 years sober, but has unfortunately relapsed, trading in his crack pipe for a keyboard. He is quoted saying, “It’s the best I’ve ever felt! 800 thousand followers, constant likes and retweets; crack and prostitutes at the Super 8 Motel off the I-95 can’t even begin to compare.” Hunter started small, an initial tweet promoting an interview he did with Candance Owens. But like any fatal addiction, it quickly spiraled out of control. He increased his intake, replying to users with platitudes like, “Thanks,” “Exactly,” and “That’s a bold-faced lie,” before turning to paragraph-long refutes to any critic that turned up in his mentions. Hunter has lost control and is riding the high of social media clout. Those around Hunter have shared their fears: “We’re worried he will go on another bender, sequester himself away in a basement with his phone and charger, deprived of daylight for weeks in his Twitter opium den.”
Experts have weighed in on Hunter’s current battle with Twitter use. “Twitter is one of the worst social media addictions to have. The Instagram and TikTok experience is mindless scrolling of videos and reels, inducing a passive, zombie-like state. Twitter, however, activates a part of the brain that compels users to compulsively state their beliefs while simultaneously restricting the neurons that control introspection. In short, it makes you digitally yell every thought and opinion that crosses your mind.” If you’ve ever been exposed to someone chronically online, you have witnessed how being perpetually outraged and ragebaited can destroy lives. As more people fall victim to Twitter-brain, we are forced to wait for science to catch up and find a solution, we are told that the best AI agents are currently working on a cure (they have temporarily paused their research into cancer for a more important issue).
Sources close to Hunter Biden have stated that his screen time is up to 17 hours a day (numbers rivaled only by the likes of Taylor Lorenz), and when his loved ones forcibly removed the phone from his death grip and stored it in a secured vault to make him quit cold turkey, Hunter sprinted to the nearest Apple Store to login and post from the display computers. He utilized the built-in camera of the laptops to record a video of himself on a tirade, ranting about how Trump started the conflict with Iran to distract the American population from the Epstein files. The Trump administration declined to comment on the accusations, but added: “Don’t believe crack heads.”
As for Hunter’s addiction, we are hoping for a swift recovery. His father, Joe Biden, indicated that he has put parental controls on the 56 year old’s phone in hopes that it will wean him off his Twitter use. That might prove ineffective, as Hunter sightings have been recently reported at local libraries. We can assume that Hunter has been getting his fix at public computers and only using his allotted screen time while the libraries are closed. Some have suggested switching Hunter over to BlueSky (the methadone of Twitter), but data shows a high likelyhood of recidivism. More drastic measures might eventually need to be taken, like changing his passwords or having him go outside.
