Jebediah Dixon has been farming in Jefferson County, Kentucky for two decades. His family has tended the same land for over five generations, but Jeb has had to put away his hoe and take up collecting data from his neighbors. Forced to sell his property to a tech conglomerate who is slated to build a massive data center where his useless corn fields once stood, Jeb plans to sell the information he gleans from his loved ones, selling out his friends and family for a chance at the American Dream.
At first, Jeb had no idea what he was doing, “I heard that those big ol’ computer companies were paying buku bucks for data that had been gathered by online robots. And I thought to myself, ‘better go where the cash crops are!’ We almost missed out on those Chinese soybeans that everyone seems to be buying. What do they do with ‘em? Put ‘em in the damn casseroles?” Even though Jeb may be an amateur when it comes to farming this new product, he is determined that he can be as good as any automated digital machine.
“Those cookies stealin’ yer information ain’t got nothin’ on my modus oper-on-die. I ask the hard questions that those ol’ rust buckets are too scared ta.” Jeb told us he has branched out into strange territory with his unique line of questioning. Jeb’s workflow starts with setting up a recording microphone near his lapel and then ventures to the local tavern where he strikes up a conversation with anyone who will give him the time of day. We asked Jeb if we could listen to one of his interviews to get a better understanding of the process in analog data farming.
[Jeb]: What’s yer name sonny?
[Cody]: Cody.
[Jeb]: Cody what?
[Cody]: Cody Walker.
[Jeb]: Well nice to meet ya Cody Walker, I was wonderin’ what yer most searched for term on Pornhub.com was. Oh and also, are yous a University of Kentucky fan? Go Wildcats!
[Cody]: …
[Jeb]: And if you owned an android butler, what race would you prefer it to be?
[Cody]: What the hell are you talking about?
[Jeb]: Can I get yer email, social security number, and maybe your residential address? I need to make sure I get the correct Cody Walker when I sell yer information to Google and the likes.
[Cody walks away]
While Jeb waits for the money to start rolling in, he hopes that his more bizarre and specific questions will set him apart from the enormous data dumps by prolific tech companies. Unfortunately, Jeb is only getting about 97¢ per information point, but he’s hopeful that corporations will pay big bucks once people start actually answering his intrusive questions. “People be willfully telling RocketMoney they spend $200 a month on Japanese Dating Simulator waifu skins, and that they got genital eczema and heart palpitations to ZocDoc; I just need them to start divulging their darkest fears, deepest secrets, and psychological trauma to me.”
Data centers powering AI have pushed Jeb into his new line of work, and if Claude and ChatGPT come for your job, you might find yourself asking those close to you if they prefer yaoi or yuri hentai as your next job.